But something happened..

For the very first time with you 
My heart melted into the ground 
Found something true 
And everyone's looking round 
Thinking I'm going crazy 

My head hurts.. My mind is stretched

I havent been able to think straight..

Trying hard not to hear 

But they talk so loud 
Their piercing sounds fill my ears 
Try to fill me with doubt 
Yet I know that the goal 
Is to keep me from falling 

Bleeding Love- Leona Lewis

stuck in my head.. top 40 ugh

Do you ever feel like you relate to a character in a book or in the movies. I have been going through and reading up on comic characters... I'm bored and I have always loved the shows, stories, and movies so I figured I needed to do some background reading on them. One so I don't feel ignorant and two because I'm truly interested in the back story. My favorite in the X-men has always been Jean Gray/Phoenix which I just recently found out that was her mutant name. They always just used her name. Interesting and long back story but its cool to go through it all and see all of the connections. 

I have done a flip in my studying. I'm still doing Revelation but slowly.. its a lot to take in. I'm trying hard to stay focused and I cant. I'm feel like I'm doing something wrong... Or that Ive done something wrong. I'm breaking everything down and over analyzing. I cant take back what Ive already done.. I can only move forward. ask for forgiveness and hope you understand. My heart feels tugged and tattered.. which is weird. I feel this calling I just don't know what direction to go and I feel like I'm not "qualified" and I haven't felt that in a long time. Its scary feeling like you are the kid again. Helpless. Not worthy. Under the bar. Here recently I feel like Ive been at the bartering line. Bartering for my future. Bartering for my next few steps. how I long to be closer... to feel your touch. that touch of comfort. I keep telling myself "I'm not crazy just confused and mislead" I hate doubt.. I'm rebuking it from my mind. thoughts. actions. heart. It dangerous and unhealthy.

Sometimes I get so confused.. I don't like it. Sometimes I feel like I miss the mark.

Sometimes its best to lay your flesh to the side and try to focus on the bigger picture. Right now I can't... Its no ones fault but my own. I get so used to putting the blame on other things.... when it all comes down to me and my faults and my wrong paths. For once I'm assured I'm going down the right path.. It just took 20 wrong ones to get to the one right one. Its hard.