Time passes...

Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.-- New Moon [twilight saga]

I can't get this book out of my head... I know I am ridiculous brewing over a romantic/vampire novel. But I stand firm on that God will reach you through anything... He will show up in the most unlikely places. He has for me several times and I am thankful. Here recently my focus has been so wishy washy. To be honest, I have been a real flake. God deserves better than that... People in my life deserve better than that. I have been a mental zombie these past months, For what???? A relationship that was eventually going to fail. A feeling I went on. Some time I sat aside to figure things out [who ever honestly figures things out] We don't. God gives us a path for the time being but we screw things up. We allow evil to enter in, we take the wheel, we make our own paths and ultimately we allow our selfish desires to set in and take course. I have been focused on me and my "bad situation".. that to be honest is not soooo bad. Just Life. 

I am rambling I know... but I keep focusing on the bad and on all of my "dirt" that I am not allowing God to work in me and through me. I get a grip on my anger then unleash it in the most inopportune time... and on the flip side I cower in times I should stand firm. In times I know what I believe to be true, just, and right. I'm letting my wounds bleed and pushing through the muck of my life and calling it living. Poor excuses for my Maker... I keep on telling myself "I'm healing" "I'm getting better" "I am stable" and I lie to myself over and over again. It takes time. Something I cant honestly wrap my brain around. It takes effort. Which I am working on, believe me. Its takes love. Not just from my first love [Christ] but from the people in this life who keep me healthy and strong. I know I sound completely insane and for a while I felt crazy but I truly desire to be better... and truly feel like I am making progress. 

I am so blessed to have a mother who is patient and loving, a dad who tells me like it is and a family who is behind me and full of craziness. I am so blessed to be forgiven for all the shit I have screwed up and to have a Savior who loves me no matter what dirt I am drowning in still. I can live with that... correction. I can hold on to that. 

This book that I can't get out of my head really shook me in a time when I was so blind. A time when I was being completely self centered and not wanting to face my crap. I decided just to play in my dirt because I was comfortable there. So no more... my heart needs healing, my body needs refreshing, and my soul needs some light. Im not gonna mull through life half-heartedly. Im not gonna keep my mind in the past. I am moving forward [;) thats for you Stace]. I know I keep posting about it and talking about it and sometimes following through... but this time I am serious when I say it, blog it, think it. I am done with making excuses. It is time to be an active role in my story again.

On a lighter note I am gonna be posting some pics of the Ranch. [the one I posted today is from there] I am super stoked for all the crazy, good things that are happening. I am also stoked about getting to go fishing and having a place like we did when I was kid. I miss that. I used to live outdoors and I'm sad I don't anymore. OHHH I started my diet. I completely hate it. I hate water. I hate the sick feeling I will have for the next couple of days from the pills. BUT I am working on making better food choices. I am working on portions. I am working on adjusting to only water. I am working on being more active. My punching bag and walking is a start but I can do better. I am capable of better... and to be honest I miss being real active like when I was playing volleyball and basketball in high school. I miss team stuff also... I miss the kids at the Innerchange. I miss the team at the Innerchange. 

grace and peace 

Stitch in your knitted brow

and you don't know how
you're gonna get it out
crushed under heavy chest
trying to catch your breath
but it always beats you by a step, all right now

making the best of it
playing the hand you get
you're not alone in this

there's hope for the hopeless

Hope for the Hopeless-A Fine Frenzy

I am so excited for the things God is doing for my Dad... Well let me explain. My dad for years has felt this yearning to help people mainly young men/boys/men who have been bogged down by wrong decisions, who are stuck, and who had a bad card dealt, whether it be bad parents, no money for a good education, or just plain struggling. [which I mean who doesn't] He has this longing to plant seeds in young men to be men of God. All my freaking life we have had guys around the house who need a couch to sleep on, an ear to listen, some food, a job, advise, and sometimes a kick in the butt [lol]... and he has been there for them all and no matter what was asked of him. So he has that pull and he wants to set up a place for them to come. There is this long story that I really can't do justice but somehow by the hand of God he ran across this property... and he felt God telling this was it. He waited for a LONG time... and he struggled with it. There was this huge family lawsuit going on with the property holding him back and things that kept creeping up. It really is a long story but this week he got the call that they chose his bid on the property... Today he sat down with the owner and hashed out some of the lease. He will soon sign an 11 year lease. I am so happy that he has the opportunity to give some his heart and do some work he will actually enjoy. The map above is of the property it sits on 4 to 5 miles of the Cahaba River, it also sits right off highway 5, and has tons of potential. Im totally stoked to see how this plays out. Be praying please :)

There are just too many...

Times that people 
Have tried to look inside of me 
Wondering what I think of you 
And I protect you out of courtesy 
Too many times that I’ve 
Held on when I needed to push away

Hit the Floor- Linkin Park

Great song. Awesome band.

I'm so ready to see all of this. I want to be on the road so bad... but my little side trips will have to do until the big trip :) I think I have decided on a camera. Should be fun taking photos on the way up to Washington.

just links...

My aunt helps runs this organization [I love her]

Hill County Pregnancy Care Center

I like this guy and this chat was interesting..

[it takes a second to get to the subject, be patient]

Voddie Baucham

I found out that I am a moron at times.

Yep guilty.

grace and peace

this picture sums up my weekend...

A blurrrrr. 

Cousin visited. Lock-In. 9 hours of youth. Plunger head game. Music. Screaming middle school girl. Dodgeball. Tackled. Fun. Laughter. Pancakes. Sleep finally. Coffee. Cold shower. Woke up at 3. Watched Once. Mom's Birthday. Went to Joe's Crab Shack. Meet a man named Ray [Don't ask]. Went to Blue Monkey. I love Cobb Lane. Then went to Twist N Shout. Can I just say that my friends was entertainment. Somewhere in all of this I almost got my boobs pierced. Then danced at Nana Funk's with the crazy white girls. Sleep came on swift wings and I didn't wake until 1. So much for going to church I'm a horrible christian. Movie and dinner with Amy then sat down to some good Ol HBO drama [Trueblood] my new favorite series. I'm real sad Generation Kill is over. Over all I had a fantastic time with great friends and I am now recovering from my crazy weekend. Thanks guys for making it one of the best Birthdays ever :)

grace and peace

Will you think of me in time

It's never my luck
So nevermind
I wanna say your name
But the pain starts again
It's never my luck
So nevermind

I had a dream that you were with me
It wasn't my fault
You rolled me over, flipped me over the somersault
and that doesn't happen to me.
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never
and I stood outside her heaven

Will you wait for me in time
It's never my luck
So I'll say nevermind
and I've lost a lot of what I don't expect to ever return
I tend to push them til the pushing gone from hurtin to burn
I always take them to that place I thought they wanted to go
then end up dancing round 
this clown commands applause at his show

I had a dream that you were with me
and it wasn't my fault
You rolled me over, flipped me over like a somersault
and that doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
I saw forever in my never 
and I stood outside her heaven
Her heaven
Inside her heaven
her heaven

And I can only dream of you in sleep
and I never see sunlight again
I can try to be with you but somehow I'll end up just losing a friend.
And I can only reach for you
relate to you
I'm losing my friend
Where did she go
Where

I had a dream that you were with me
It wasn't my fault.
You rolled me over, flipped me over a somersault
And that doesn't happen to me
I've never been here before
but I saw forever in my never
and I stood outside her heaven
stood outside her heaven
stood outside her heaven
Won't you let me into your heaven

My Never-Blue October

Rumored to be on the upcoming album as Approaching normal

Really great lyrics

There may come a time, a time in everyones life..

where nothin seems to go your way
where nothing seems to turn out right
there may come a time, you just cant seem to find your way
for every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call.
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
let it be me
if its a friend that you need
let it be me
let it be me
feels like your always commin on home
pockets full of nothin and you got no cash
no matter where you turn you aint got no place to stand
reach out for something and they slap your hand
now i remember all to well
just how it feels to be all alone
you feel like youd give anything
for just a little place you can call your own
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me

Let it be me- Ray LaMontagne

I'm 21 

This is my birthday post where I share the crap that I have learned thus far... should be fun. Let's see in the last year I learned I have a sick love for cheap movies. I quit smoking on November 16th of last year and I have only had half a cherry Black and Mild (only because I was curious, it was gross)and a few small flavored cigars. I loss some pounds this year and gained them right back so some habits will change this upcoming year. I found I have the ability to love with my whole heart which I thought I wasn't gonna do in this lifetime [I was so naive]. I can control my anger and use it when necessary. Stephanie Meyer's New Moon was a life saver... weird huh. I am real damn patient. Never would have thought it. I have the most depressing ipod... geez I need to revamp my music collection. Ironman has to be one of the greatest movies they have released in my lifetime. All the years I have claimed to hate reading was only because I was forced to read something. I've enjoyed stepping out on my own and picking up my favorites and rereading them... I've enjoyed finding comfort in books. My outlook on religion did a big flip this year... I think I'm back to square one which can be fun. Religion is for the birds...[Relationship is key] Someone told me this year "Change is the only constant" I thought about that phrase for a LONG time... My thoughts on it are different and I don't agree. God is the only constant, change is inevitable. I also learned my opinion, when it truly comes down to it, doesn't matter but that should not stop me from sharing my heart when the time is right... use caution. Sometimes it's better to just "take it on the chin" as William Elliott Whitmore would say. When the time is right fight the battle and if not don't back down just take the lick. I will travel this upcoming year and that my friends makes me super excited. Today I was approved for a loan [small but will do] its the first step to building credit without credit cards. It gets my foot in the door and my saving will finally pay off... HELLLLLZ yea. I can and will do anything I want or dream but only through Him. I have been knocked to my knees this past year and while down there I have prayed harder, cried more and exposed my wounds while balancing a full days work and being there for my family. I want to continue for God to meet me there and be my only constant.

21 should be fun... in the words of the greatest sponge guy I know "I'm READY"

I am open and ready for new things, new places and new relationships.

grace and peace

Everyone I come across, in cages they bought..

They think of me and my wandering, but I'm never what they thought
I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed

Guaranteed- Eddie Vadder

Into the Wild

"My good opinion once lost is lost forever"

"I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine."

"The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense."

-Pride and Prejudice

Reading Jane Austen is a hard task but very filling. I keep saying I'm not one for romantics but it seems that is all I put my hands on these days. I reread New Moon [2nd installment of the twilight series] this weekend. One of the hardest books to read for me.. It is crazy but God spoke to me through that book and facing some hard truths, hurts. It was a long weekend..  from movies to late nights, some swimming, new church, new people, myspace, to the never ending words of my books. I couldn't find enough things to fill up my time so that I could escape the things facing me/challenging me. I failed. No matter who I talked to, how much loud music I played, how many books I read I couldn't escape it.. it hurt. I'm finding more and more out about myself thanks to past relations. I found out I'm not as outspoken as I put on or used to be... I stand back now examine my options and make my decision based on what is best for the parties involved. When my knee jerk reaction used to be fight, stand up for what you know is right, make the person who wronged you feel what you feel, then when its all done walk away or run whichever makes you feel better. I was a complete ass at times and only did what would make me strong, right and feel good. I'm learning life's not about that.. It is not about what we want or what makes us feel better or what our opinion might be. It's bigger than that more complex but simple all at the same time. It's about love, sacrifice, and faith. Or something like that... lol I'm still learning and listening. This weekend I was kicked to my knees and instead of acting out of hate and malice which I am fully capable of, I walked away... If you asked me why, I wouldn't know what to say. I would be justified in whatever reaction I chose or at least I would in worldly eyes... but I'm realizing I can be better than that I have the choice to pick whichever path I want.. I have the choice to make life easy or hard. I chose to walk away. I have the choice to turn that [chubby] cheek. I chose to do just that, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean I will like it, doesn't put me on some insane list of do-gooders. Just means I made the decision to love the person who hurt me.. Just means I chose a path. I chose to be Christ like in a time where I wanted so badly to fall back into my old life style. "Only through Him" will I ever make it through this life. 

I use this heart with stitching to mark my artwork at times... Very symbolic to me. I also have it tattooed on my left shoulder blade. I have this belief that God is fully capable of stitching up our hearts... that we will have scars from this human life on earth. This weekend I allowed someone to rip the stitching on my wounds... I hope and pray that they are mended fast. 

grace and peace my loves