I've got my indignation, but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...
Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
Underneath my being is a road that disappeared
Late at night I hear the trees, they're singing with the dead
Overhead...
Leave it to me as I find a way to be
Consider me a satellite, forever orbiting
I knew all the rules, but the rules did not know me
Guaranteed
Guaranteed- Eddie Vadder
Into the Wild
"My good opinion once lost is lost forever"
"I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine."
"The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense."
-Pride and Prejudice
Reading Jane Austen is a hard task but very filling. I keep saying I'm not one for romantics but it seems that is all I put my hands on these days. I reread New Moon [2nd installment of the twilight series] this weekend. One of the hardest books to read for me.. It is crazy but God spoke to me through that book and facing some hard truths, hurts. It was a long weekend.. from movies to late nights, some swimming, new church, new people, myspace, to the never ending words of my books. I couldn't find enough things to fill up my time so that I could escape the things facing me/challenging me. I failed. No matter who I talked to, how much loud music I played, how many books I read I couldn't escape it.. it hurt. I'm finding more and more out about myself thanks to past relations. I found out I'm not as outspoken as I put on or used to be... I stand back now examine my options and make my decision based on what is best for the parties involved. When my knee jerk reaction used to be fight, stand up for what you know is right, make the person who wronged you feel what you feel, then when its all done walk away or run whichever makes you feel better. I was a complete ass at times and only did what would make me strong, right and feel good. I'm learning life's not about that.. It is not about what we want or what makes us feel better or what our opinion might be. It's bigger than that more complex but simple all at the same time. It's about love, sacrifice, and faith. Or something like that... lol I'm still learning and listening. This weekend I was kicked to my knees and instead of acting out of hate and malice which I am fully capable of, I walked away... If you asked me why, I wouldn't know what to say. I would be justified in whatever reaction I chose or at least I would in worldly eyes... but I'm realizing I can be better than that I have the choice to pick whichever path I want.. I have the choice to make life easy or hard. I chose to walk away. I have the choice to turn that [chubby] cheek. I chose to do just that, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, doesn't mean I will like it, doesn't put me on some insane list of do-gooders. Just means I made the decision to love the person who hurt me.. Just means I chose a path. I chose to be Christ like in a time where I wanted so badly to fall back into my old life style. "Only through Him" will I ever make it through this life.
I use this heart with stitching to mark my artwork at times... Very symbolic to me. I also have it tattooed on my left shoulder blade. I have this belief that God is fully capable of stitching up our hearts... that we will have scars from this human life on earth. This weekend I allowed someone to rip the stitching on my wounds... I hope and pray that they are mended fast.
grace and peace my loves
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