Oh Lord, have mercy on me

Please pull me from this heat
My hands are burning and I can't feel my feet
This wasn't how my life was to be
Bum bum bum bum, Oh no
Bum bum bum bum, Oh no

I'm going down with the Devil's thunder, yeah
I'm going down
So throw me some water
Yeah, Throw me some water 

Devils Thunder-Rachael Cantu 

So she tours with Tegan and Sara sometimes

I may have to find a show with them together

New favorite

I'm in one of the dark "not quite sure what would be my next step" moods. I am in no way being morbid or disrespectful with this post... just venting. I feel like that kid at the beach.. I'm standing at the edge of the water looking at all the mysteries and possibilities with reality and storms waiting for me back on land. I love the ocean and water it so beautiful and breathtaking, mysterious, refreshing, renewing, deep... I hate being in water where I cant see what's around me or under me but at the same time I'm the kid who wants to explore it. My reality check this morning was I'm not ready. I have so much responsibility on my shoulders at times I just want to toss it and run, swim, drive as fast as I can away from it. What makes me so mad is it is responsibility I didn't sign up for but that I have nonetheless. My dad's business, care for my sisters, My mom... and tons more I don't want to even think about. I woke up this morning to my sweet mom worrying herself to death like all women do about everything. 

Apparently my dad woke up with his back hurting again and of course he always makes light of his pain.. due to a crazy upbringing and parents who were [in my opinion] selfish and I can say that because I knew them and loved them and they basically helped raise me. Im rambling about something I cant fix [the past] but I can ramble its my blog..lol. My dad through his childhood and younger years hurt himself. Playing ball, being a kid, riding horses, working himself nonstop... with the mind set that if you get hurt brush it off and deal with it. There was no going to the doctor and get things fixed in my opinion that came from two parents who were very busy [so busy that they missed things] and put business first. His step parents didn't give a damn about him and made it known believe me even when I was a kid. So because of that he accumulated a broken back [several times] from what the doctors have told him recently... He is also overweight. You can't blame everything on the parents but he did adapt to that same mind set [they taught him] of "if you're not bleeding its not that bad so tuff it out". Hidden meaning behind that there are things more important than me having to listen to you cry about something that "probably" not that bad anyways. The doctors have told him there is nothing they can do to fix it because the damage was done a long time ago... He is walking around and at any time it could be bad like paralyzed or stuck in a bed for months even years bad. My sweet mom worries all the time and tries so hard to be strong for him but like her we both sit and worry about "what the hell do we do when that happens." She doesn't work and I dint mean she doesn't work hard everyday to provide for her family [I'm thankful]... I mean she has never had to go out and get a job or bring in money that has always been on my dad. She worked briefly the first couple years they were married but he has always made it clear he wanted her to worry over the kids and the house and he would take care of the rest and they have been doing just that for 22 years. My mom took care of her parents and sister for 6 of those years... they have all passed in the last 3 years her mother and sister of cancer and her dad passed suffering from multiple things. She is also dealing with two of the most greediest selfish bitches for sisters I have ever laid my eyes on [I can also say that because of I have witnessed it and even been treated the same as my mom]... Even though I know she wants to just write them off she can't because her heart it just too loving and she is too kind. So for me too say she hasn't worked is wrong but in the worlds eyes she is has made no investment in her financial future. That's what I'm told anyways not what I believe. The business falls to me, my mom's worries fall to me, my families troubles fall to me and I fall to God. Tremble really.

Can I just say I'm scared. I'm scared for the future of my family. I'm scared for the future of our business. I'm scared I want get on my own two feet and live a little for me. I'm scared for the future of our country and all that is becoming... but through all of that I have this underlying relief that everything is going to be ok. I have faith that things will be taken care not that it wont be hard and still doesn't stop me from being my fleshy human self. Scared, vulnerable, thankful, blessed, and all the other things my mind wonders off to.

O'malley [my crazy cat] made me so mad yesterday but completely redeemed herself. I played softball most of the day yesterday with a bunched teenagers from the ICY along with my 3 sisters.. So when I came home I was so tired. I had made my dinner and sat down just in time to watch Big Love with my parents... My cat has the tendency to pick the greatest time to destroy something of my moms. She hasn't realized yet she is treading shallow water with them...[and she really doesn't care] They are not cat people and it is the craziest thing for them to even allow the thing to be in the house but she has them wrapped around her claw for the time being. Her new favorite thing is to attack the peacock and pheasant feathers my mom has in a vase on the dinning room table and she chose last night to test my patience. I had already asked and removed her twice from the table the third time I looked back and called her name she jumped into the vase and pushed all the feathers out. I got up walked over to the table and picked her up by the nape of her neck [which she did not like by the way] and told her no while setting her down. She managed to reach my face with her claw and scratched it. I went to the the kitchen to clean up my wound when I was walking back in the living room she was sitting on the very end of the table... she saw me and made eye contact and then made a mad dash for the vase again. She sat in the middle of the vase with her head peaking through the feathers watching me. I'm not gonna post what I did next but know she wanted nothing to do with me for a couple hours when it was time for bed she stretched and I picked her up to take her back to my room. She all of the sudden was so sweet and innocent and curled up beside me on my pillow. It is the cutest thing when she is sleeping... she wants you to be touching her at all times or vis versa. She will place her paw on you or pull your hand over on her while she is sleeps. I couldn't stay mad at her even if I tried... her and her triflin ways.