so its a sad day when..

you start counting down to things..

really not even important things

25 days til My 21st birthday

81 days til Election

99 days til Harry Potter: half blood prince

118 days til Twilight

"plus de ma propre vie"

french for:

"more than my own life"

Confession. I have panic attacks. I have kept them under control for 4 or 5 years so I wouldn't have to take medicine... They really didn't start getting bad until I decided to be good and get off tabs and other pills that I had been taking for pleasure. Last night they decided to creep back in.. and I wasn't prepared. Here recently I've been in my own world and thoughts, not really aware of people and happenings around me. Reading always helps when Im in this mood... My family doesn't understand my need for quite and peace at times. They are so used to it being loud and tons around. So last night when I finished my book series I was forced to sit in the living room and had nothing to put my mind at ease. My parents have never really seen my freak outs first hand. Only the beginnings were I tense up and start breathing heavy.. I usually spare anyone from having to baby me and see the episode. Like I said I've been in control for years but this time it was different. There were 10 people in the house all having conversations all being way louder than they should and my mind was a complete wreck.. My control was slipping. My parents were going out to eat and my cousin was leaving her 2 year old so she could spend time with her boyfriend... My sisters had to be fed... homework needed to be done and dogs had to be tended too. I was a wreck. I had to go outside lay down and breathe. For a split moment in time I thought I was going crazy getting dates mixed up.. thinking I had to have all my art for the upcoming auction completed... thinking I had a bill I missed.. I thought my account was overdrawn. My heart for the first time hurt for all the things I had pushed aside. 

I know you are thinking this girl has flipped her lid... I haven't. I calmed down 2 hours later after 3,450 breathes and a long time in my room alone. I'm against taking medicine for things I can cure.. things that are in my head and things that are going to happen when you put to much stress on one body. I'm also against the easy out... so Im leaning on prayer and each breathe to get me through the day.

[If you haven't read the Twilight series and you are a girl get on it... I typically don't read romantics unless its a classic but they are so good. I am super pumped to see the movies and get a visual on all the characters I have come to love.]

"more than my own life"

Make a hard man humble

Make a proud woman hide
Her eyes from the light of day
When all the crops have withered and died
And the soil has blown away
The ground is so dry
The river’s on its hands and knees
And i hear that tune in the breeze
The crow is callin’ and i hear him well
Up in the red bud tree
Any the stories that you’ve lived to tell
Pass ‘em down to me

Whisper the truth
Into your childrens ears
Let them know
Let them understand
Let them hear
The song of the blackbird is mighty loud
Through the evening mist
The moon is up and it looks so proud
Lookin’ down on a night, on a night like this

Dry- William Elliot Whitmore 

I love the simplicity of this song

If I'm not mistaken this is my second time to post it

but it's so good. 

go and listen

My Harry Potter season is coming in. They released the trailer and I freaked. It is amazing.. and it brought back all the memories of the book. Such a good read if you are really into the background and the connections of the characters. It goes through a ton of stuff and helps you understand the characters more. Some may think it is boring but if you think about it not really, the twists and crazy things that happen, it's so good. So I'm excited to see how they do with the movie and I'm willing to give this new director a second chance. By far the best trailer and great job with picking the new actors. Enough of my nerd speak. I had an amazing lunch today with Jenny at the Vietnamese restaurant and I'm super wired from the coffee I had. I have a ton of free movie passes for the new theatre in McCalla. So if anyone wants to go let me now. Only catch is it has to be a two week old released movie but still a good deal. 

I haven't updated in a while I should do this more often... 

Hope you all are well.

grace and peace

hang up the chick habit

hang it up, daddy, 
or you'll be alone in a quick 
hang up the chick habit 
hang it up, daddy, 
or you'll never get another fix 

i'm telling you it's not a trick 
pay attention, don't be thick 
or you're liable to get licked 

you're gonna see the reason why 
when they're spitting in your eye 
they'll be spitting in your eye

Chick Habit- April March

I heard this at the end of Death Proof

and fell in love

added it to the space go and listen

Last night was pretty intense for me. I thought I was doing good with handling my anger but my tongue is a hard thing to tame. I felt really convicted about my twitter post but at that moment I needed to vent. If I didn't that wouldn't have been the only vulgar thing coming out of my mouth and it wouldn't have been posted on twitter. Somebody would have been hurt by my words. I had a revelation last night.. words are my downfall and defense. That is almost an oxymoron but not really. I use them as a defense which will ultimately lead to my downfall. I'm working on my tongue and how I use it... the Word says it can never be tamed. That scares me.

James 3

 5-6It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.

 7-10This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue—it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth!

13-16Do you want to be counted wise, to build a reputation for wisdom? Here's what you do: Live well, live wisely, live humbly. It's the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts. Mean-spirited ambition isn't wisdom. Boasting that you are wise isn't wisdom. Twisting the truth to make yourselves sound wise isn't wisdom. It's the furthest thing from wisdom—it's animal cunning, devilish conniving. Whenever you're trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others' throats.

 17-18Real wisdom, God's wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.

truth hitting me right in the face.

grace and peace my loves

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,

Then I beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward,
If there's a master of death I'll bet he's holding his breath,
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power,
I'm a doubting thomas,
I can't keep my promises,
'Cause i don't know what's safe,
oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth,When I'm scared I'll find proof that its a lie,
Can I be lead down a trail dropping bread crumbs,
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs,
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

Doubting Thomas- Nickel Creek

I wish I could sing and play just one instrument

but alas I can not If I could I would want to sound like them

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas by Caravaggio.

Amazing image captured here. The detail is incredible, look at his hand and how Thomas is touching Christ's wound. I love it. This week has been the longest. Its Wednesday and it feels it should be Friday... I hate when that happens. My sister turned 12 yesterday and I felt so old. I remember when she was sweet, little and was always singing. Which she still sings all the time... she's so tall and is no longer sweet and innocent. I took her to Gamestop and bought her some Nintendo DS games and a Wii game. We have been battling like crazy on some Wii. I have mastered bowling and Mario Kart is my new crack. My grandmother is in town and is crazier than ever... seriously she makes me laugh with her crazy comments and opinions on things. I don't understand why she doesn't just move down here. She has about 3 years left with her job, she is getting to the point of not being able to move around like she used too. She has invested everything in her business and is covered in bills. But she is doing what she loves... can't argue with that. I pray she gets knocked in the head with sense and realize she can't do this forever. Everyday she amazes me with all the trades she knows how to do.. knitting, sewing, cooking, artistic out the butt, painting, she could build a house if you let her, plumbing, electric work, computer wiz for her age... and she wants to learn all the time. Her only downfall is her stink butt attitude at times. I started reading the Twilight series... I think I sorted crack when I agreed to read them. I like the way she writes so far but I haven't been able to get lost in the story yet. I wish I had my freaking Harry Potter movies.. I'm having with drawls lol. I am super pumped about the Half Blood Prince movie... I need to reread the book before the movie comes out.

Hope everyone is having a great week

grace and peace

kendall