You speak of love

But you ain't no lover
You were a friend
More like a brother

As the miles pass beneath me
The sounds made so sweetly came to an end
And no man can deny her but now you're a liar
And you've no room left to defend

When I left
I should have known better
Of the kind of man that you are
You'd have to get her

And I know you got a lot of pain
That's born inside you
But instead of growing stronger
You let it divide you, oh

How could you be so careless

Careless- Amos Lee

great song.. He is amazing.

James McAvoy is my new Hollywood crush. I love everything he has been in... Narnia, Atonement, Becoming Jane, Penelope, Last King of Scotland, and Wanted all amazing. Eye Candy... Yum. My weekend was crazy different. I saw dark knight yesterday and I'm speechless. They did an outstanding job. One of the greatest I've seen in awhile.

grace and peace

So, steal the show, and do your best

To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I, you and I know the reason why.

Reasons Why- Rachael Yamagata

Great artist.

Kids are fun to watch. Sometimes I wish I had that carefree spirit... then reality hits. Last night I went to go see the Shockers play. That was good stuff and it felt good getting out of the house and having some fun. They played a good game but didn't win. Not really sure what the finally score was but I think they lose by two. It was good getting to hang out with everybody and watching Noelle was so funny. That girl is a hoot. Prissing and swinging those hips... Jenny and Nick are gonna have so much fun with her. Hannah is so sweet and is such a good big sister. I missed both of my alarms this morning... both very loud alarms. My parents are coming home today should be fun listening to my dad tell me all the things I did wrong. How I broke the cabinet. How I didn't feed the dogs right. How I somehow screwed something up at work. Fun stuff. Its insane to say but I think I missed them... it was lonely around that big o'le house.

So have I ever told you I despise liars... because I do. 

Random info I know.

I'm sorry, two words

I always think after you're gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong
So selfish, two words that could describe
Old actions of mine when patience is in short supply

We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry 

Oh we, we could hold each other tight
Tonight

We're so helpless
We're slaves to our own forces
We're afraid of our emotions

So Sorry- Feist

I apologize way too much

sign of weakness

I'm breaking the habit 

I usually love the rain.. the grey scale that wraps around us. The vibrant greens from the trees, grass and nature. There is something very cleansing about the rain... It gives life, renewal, and hope. I was on my way to see Hellboy 2 tonight, on the way I was deep in thought and wrestling with some things. I'm technically a good driver.. safe most of time.. I just like to drive fast at times. Tonight I wasn't driving fast and was very aware of my surroundings. It was raining of course I was paying attention and watching everyone and everything. Full control. Until I turned into the middle entrance of Patton Creek. My back end started to swing around and my car was on 2 wheels.. If you didn't know I drive a boxcar so its got all kinds of warnings about flipping and driving fast. Well I stopped it from flipping but my car continued to spin I did a complete 360 and then some... It's a miracle it wasn't that busy and no one was coming in the entrance I could of been hit hard. When the car stopped I was facing Sumo. Untouched by cars, road or the brick wall. My heart was racing and my hands shaking. My parents are out of town if something would of happened.. geez. I had about 20 scenarios in my head in seconds. I used to be a crazy risk taker when I was younger and had a smaller car. I would drive way to fast and hit the E-brake all the time... I played way too hard in cars. I was awaken to a whole lot of things this evening and I am so grateful for life and love. For YHWH. For breathe and spirit. For a lot of things. 

If I haven't told you recently I love you.. know that I do.

[I realize this is a horrible way to do it.. go with it.]

If you could hear I would scream it.

Im sorry, two words

I always think after you are gone

grace and peace my loves

kendall

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

A Fine Frenzy

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life.

I cant sleep. My head is spinning. No one is at my house and I am finally feel lonely. I don't understand people wanting to live alone... I want me time but dang every morning every night... alone. Insanity. I went to a bridal/groom party today and I have to confess that was depressing. Not that I didn't love the company and enjoy getting to see some old friends... it was just rough. I pride myself on being an easy person. Easy to get along with. Easy to buy for. Easy to love. Easy to convince. I think I failed when I said "I pride myself"... Im starting to learn Im not so easy Im a rather complex being. I just bow down and make it easy for people...Im also learning I am tired of being easy for people. 

Im really not tired and that my dear is frustrating. 

Brenda Lee is one of my favorite classic artists... Break it to me gently is my favorite.

The love we shared... for oh so long
is such a big part of me.
If you must take... your love away
take it gradually.

And break it... to me gently
Give me time... oh give me a little time to ease the pain
If you must go... then go slowly
Cos I'll never... love again

If you must take... your love away
Take it gradually..

We got married in a fever...

hotter than a pepper sprout,
We've been talkin' 'bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out.
I'm goin' to Jackson, I'm gonna mess around,
Yeah, I'm goin' to Jackson,
Look out Jackson town.

Well, go on down to Jackson; go ahead and wreck your health.
Go play your hand you big-talkin' man, make a big fool of yourself,
Yeah, go to Jackson; go comb your hair!
Honey, I'm gonna snowball Jackson.
See if I care.

Jackson- Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash

I've been singing this for about a week

I think my dad and Roger are about ready to kill me

This, Cocaine Blues, and Folsom Prison Blues

Bought the Essential Johnny Cash Album and Live at Folsom Prison Album

Good stuff. Really great stuff.

So I am gonna be pretty raw in this post if you can't handle truth or the real struggle please don't read. Let me be real honest God has really been throwing me around and changing up my life quite a bit. And to be even more honest it has been real damn hard to realize what He has been trying to say to me. Probably because I'm a selfish. hardheaded. predictable. stupid. loud. fleshy. human who depends on the world to carry my worthless corpse through this life time. Guess what it's not supposed to be that way but that's what this human body falls into.. the temptation of life. The laziness of the human race. Truth 1 about me- I'm not worthy. Truth 2- no one is. Truth 3- He doesn't care about my worth He just wants me to trust and believe in Him. Truth 4- I make things harder than they should be. Truth 5- It's a trust thing and I'm learning that I'm really not that good with trust. Truth 6- It's easy to be tangled in the Enemies lies [net]... I for one know this first hand. I was letting doubt and grief hurt my soul and my well being. [PROTECT your hearts you fools.] something that keeps screaming at me. 

Let me take you back to last weekend. I have been reconstructing my room... which turned into a complete God thing. I think its funny how you try to avoid Him and He just pops up in the middle of your crap. This hole room thing has really been a growing thing hence the reason its not done. I was trying to make it my escape, my way out of dealing with what was going on in my head and He turned my selfish endeavor into a grueling and time consuming come to Jesus meeting. Before I even started I had to clean [something I really hate] then I had to go through a crap load of memories [which was hard considering. tons of pictures. a few cards. hard truths]. Then I had to organize my stuff [which was also hard for me I'm learning I'm not really good at it] and finally begin the prep stuff. Stripping. Sanding. Patching. Taking off the 20 million texture balls off my wall which made me hurt, curse and want to quit. Quit! Just when I started what the hell is wrong with me...? Big truth right in front of me. I run away. I give up, throw up my white flag and push on to something else. So I pushed forward and finished up the hard stuff. The rest was down hill... or at least I thought. I got to the painting which was not fun but if you add some music it was tolerable... I started with the yellow/gold/mustard color which was gonna cover the majority of my room. I got all of the walls covered with the exception of the trim work and I was going back over some spots when I noticed this ripple effect my wall was doing. I had seen this before in painting, it usually happens when some one doesn't completely take down border or wallpaper. My mother loved border in the 90's, my room used to be a child's room... Low and behold what did I find as I scratched through the rippled wall. WALLFREAKINGPAPER. Which from what I could see was a good 6 foot down the wall... border that my mom happened to miss in the repainting of my room 10 years ago. I had a slight break down which included me, the wall and a unlucky scrapper tool. I took a breathe, walked into the living room and asked my mom to join me for a second... I picked at her memory for a bit then came to the conclusion that yes it was border and no it wasn't the wall. For a split second I thought well maybe its the wall and if so what the heck am I going to do. My mom left trying to apologize, I told her it was cool and that I would come up with something to fix it. Everyone left me there alone so I sat there for a good thirty minutes and just cried really.. I tried to continue to peel off the wallpaper but kept pulling up the wall. Then I threw in the towel. I was done. The walls were half done if even that... My room was bare and empty and half masked with yellow freaking paint. I walked completely away, hands in the air and the whole time God was sitting there facing me.. talking to me. I was gone. I was ignoring him. Monday I had a heart to heart with Roger. No one was in the office... he sat down and we discussed life, religion and then he was real with me for a second. He gave me some words of encouragement and spoke truth into my life. It was kind of hard to hear but good. Tuesday night I went to the Basement with my Dad and some of the guys from his men's group. The Basement if you didn't know is this meeting/movement put on for youth groups and teens. Matt Pitt heads it up and it is housed right now at the Cathedral of the Cross. The group I was with was going to support this girl [daughter of one of the men in the group] so I was invited to check it out, see what I thought. While I was there things were popping out left and right.. things that were wrong, loop wholes in the whole deal, things that were good, things that could have been changed and then God did a number on me. It was insane the things he revealed... How I had been lying to myself, How I really wasn't being patient, that I've got a road ahead of me and from looks of it it's gonna be rough. These were the things that concerned me that I had been battling with... and he gently spoke some truth into my soul. After the Basement my dad and I had a heart to heart... It was just what I needed from him. No frills and everything is gonna be alright but hard truth. He corrected me on some things and called me on my crap. I walked away from it all refreshed. Sunday I went to the Innerchange, again he confirmed everything my dad and I talked about. I put aside my differences and worshiped at his feet. This is kinda a raw piece of what he said to me. "It's a day to day thing, everyday will be a struggle and a fight. I will lead you down many roads and paths all connected to one. Mine. You will speak truth. My truth. The Good news. I will bless and love you. Trust in Me and Me alone." Word. I'm speechless and in awe of His Majesty.

So let's do it- full of belief, confident that we're presentable inside and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps His word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching. 

Hebrews 10:22-25

I have been through a lot of shitty stuff in the past couple of years but none of it comes back void because it was all part of his plan for my life. I would call them shitty, hard and pretty big turning points. He is showing me that maybe I'm not looking at it right. Look again. So now they are blessings and a part of life... all part of growing.

Crazy good stuff.

grace and peace